INTERVIEWS WITH JESUS; Part I

Thank you Jesus for sitting down and talking to me. Is this some kinda Youtube/Facebook joke, or are you serious that you are the Second-Coming?

JESUS:
You are welcome. And I might start right there by saying that I do not talk to people, inside their head that is. They certainly talk to me, and that’s OK and good most of the time, but anyone who hears me talking back to them should seek medical attention immediately.
This is the first time in two millennium, since my Centurion interrogation. I’ve got a lot on my mind.
I am serious. This is no joke, but I do hope people will appreciate that I have a sense of humor, a temper and other human traits, which will emerge here from time to time; things totally lacking in the New Testament, along with my love for music, wine, women and so forth. They seem to forget that I was, and am, a man.
But then the Gospel authors never met me and didn’t know me at all; which explains a lot of other inaccuracies, myths and exclusions as well; and misquotes may I add.

So its been 2,000 years why so long? Why haven’t you done the
Second-Coming until now?

JESUS:
Well the First Coming didn’t turn out that great really. Not exactly a happy ending or resounding success, especially if you look at the world today. Things have not gone according to plan. I was about joy, tolerance, forgiveness, stuff like that. I don’t see a whole lot of that around the planet today.
And, I hope you know, it wasn’t any fun being born to a 14-yr old unwed mother, homeless.. in a manger in the middle of winter…before electric lights.. and winding up by getting crucified…
I have returned several times but was unable to reveal myself. People are dangerous. I would have been lynched, crushed under great weights or maybe been shut away in my nephew’s attic, or an institution somewhere… if I dared show my face during the last two Millennium. Pretty dangerous to say you’re Jesus even today, which will explain the hostile comments that will soon be posted here.
There’s quite a bit more to this subject, because as I said, I returned before. I’ll elaborate later.
So I have been keeping my eye on things you know.
The internet has provided a massive forum for my Second-Coming. It’s the age of communication.

What was your biggest disappointment with mankind when you got here the first time? What did you notice first?

JESUS:
Men were sadly ignorant and primitive in Galilee at the time. But then, I didn’t go to Rome or Greece, so I guess it’s partly my fault. Though Our Father had enlightened mankind a couple thousand years before, his ”chosen people” were still superstitious and fearful….and 99% illiterate.
Communication was pretty much word-of-mouth and not very efficient.
It’s no wonder that the Old Testament was so misunderstood, few people could actually read it.
I was supposed to be the sequel, the happy ending. None of it worked out. I wound up just a continuously mutating bump on the long road of human misery and ignorance. I lasted 30 years and died a tragic death.
Big disappointment. So here I am to try again.

30 years? You were 30 years old?

JESUS:
I’m not sure. Early thirties seems about right.

What do you mean? What about Christmas?

JESUS:
Hahahahahaha…are you kidding?

Oh come on!, December 25th?

JESUS:
Hahaha!..Where did anybody get that idea? There were no such things as birthdays in those times. Forget it, its not important.
I do like the Christmas spirit of giving though. For many it’s the one time of year that they exhibit some humanity and true Christianity… and I like the music… oddly the Christmas myth wound up being one of my successes.
But I am ashamed, appalled sometimes, at Christmas’ commercialism and materialism which targets and mis-educates children. Christmas, as my birthday, is not that relevant to what I am about, believe me.
My death was far more significant than my birth, to me, and everybody else.
But that date too, doesn’t mean much really. Neither my birthday or death anniversary should be particularly celebrated. They are just distractions from my message.
Sort of reminds me of Napoleon.

Napoleon? Huh? How’s that?

JESUS:
Napoleon was aware and amused at the people’s need for tradition and ritual…specifically that with a dictator, himself, and no king to rule them, they were lost at sea. They had no idea how to govern themselves or even behave. He laughed at his ministers who lived to be told what to do. They needed someone to worship. So he made himself emperor to please and comfort them….to their great relief….and that was 1,800 years after me. It is significant that he didn’t call himself king.
Mind-boggling!
What should be celebrated is my message; though it was wrong as published, in many ways, and it was misconstrued and perverted in many others.

How do you think your message was wrong?

JESUS:
In many many ways. It’ll take me hours to describe them; which I will in time. Why was it wrong?….would be a simpler question for now.

OK. Why do you think your message was wrong?

JESUS:
Three major failings on my part.
#1 I died too young. I lacked the wisdom that comes from experience; just didn’t know enough about human life at age 30 to be instructing others. For example, I missed a lot of what it really meant to be human; to have children for example, whom you love more than yourself. I should have lived until I was 80 or something. JFK, same thing, big mystique, but not as much substance as if he’d lived 75 years. Big mistake dying young. Avoid it if you can.

And the second?

JESUS:
This one is really important. I knew even less about death. I had no idea that crucifixion was such an awful thing. I had come to Earth to live as a man. And I didn’t think too much about death, thought it was pretty trivial. But it really hurt…painful… horrendous agony, and I should have known that before I went on about heaven and the kingdom Caesar and all. I’m sorry I did it that way.

Third?

JESUS: I didn’t write it down. Pretty stupid. Of course I was illiterate as were people like me in those days. Since communication was the real object just speaking in remote tiny villages wasn’t going to make it as a movement. If I had written it down, gone on the soapbox and read it, that would have been a real eyeopener. Pontius Pilate would have hired me instead of killing me. Big mistake not learning to read and write. My movement died with me because of it.

What about your Disciples?

JESUS:
I was unfortunately reduced to recruiting a bunch of illiterate fishermen; starting at the bottom. Who else would listen to me but the desperately poor who lived without hope? Most people were established in their beliefs and feelings. I’m afraid it appeared after my death that my apostles never really understood my message at all. Heaven knows I tried. And as I said I didn’t write it down and pass it on which is probably why mankind failed to catch on all these centuries. The true and right message never really got out. Paul I must say was the great lone exception who rescued the movement. He did what I should have done.

I want to mention that since I welcomed women, I got the attention of a few exceptionally bright ones who were around me, far more perceptive and intently interested than the men. Sadly, women didn’t count for much in ancient culture, and still do not today in many parts of the world, and they were pretty much deleted from my story by the authors of the Gospels.

Can you give an example of how the Apostles missed your message?

JESUS:
I see that they actually believed I was going to die and come back the next day…probably with “the sword of the lord”, kill all the Romans, take back my kingdom and save the world. When I didn’t, they fell to pieces and lost their faith. Can’t blame ‘em though. My execution was gruesome and very public. The Romans were after them too, and they were terrorized. I failed to show and protect them, which I see now they thought I would do, like other heroes and kings. As I said they never really got it. My program was destroyed and derailed right then. .

Can you elaborate?

My movement and message was obliterated but for Paul, who wrote it down and spent his life traveling throughout the Roman Empire and spread the word to the poor and meek masses until he reached Rome itself. They killed him but he had done the job already. Carried the cross. He had given every miserable soul……. identity. That was my message. And Paul understood it.

Certainly there were worthy educated influential men who shared your Judean religion, among those who saw you. Why did you not embrace them?

JESUS:
They rejected me. The few who could think, and were educated and literate served their own interests by making themselves the elite wealthy masters of the rest in cahoots with the Romans. They had no patience with, or use for me. In fact, I was the opposition you might say. They helped to engineer my being crucified. They were Roman collaborators, the role models of the militant avaricious theocracies and dictatorships that dominate the world today. So you see how far you haven’t come?

Because of the long absence a lot of people no longer
believe in you. What would you like to say to them, pray tell?

JESUS:
I’m glad you asked me that.
Listen people, you don’t have to believe in me to reach heaven.
What’s most essential is that you believe in yourself.
Believe in the ones you love, and they in you.
That’s what I was trying to say.
Thanks for letting me clear that up.

What would you tell mankind today?

JESUS: My tip of the day?

Okay your tip of the day.

JESUS: Don’t send people to Mars. Call it off. Send robots. Robots can do the job. Spending the money to keep people alive through a long journey in space, in an artificial environment, is an awful waste of human resources and ingenuity. There’s nothing up there that will do you much good and it’s simply not worth it.
Trust me, its all happening on Earth. Spend your money and time developing Earthly technology, evolving your consciousness and advancing the condition of all humanity.

Thank you Jesus.

JESUS:
My pleasure. We will meet again. In this life. Where’s the pizza you promised?

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INTERVIEWS WITH JESUS; Part II

Were you taller last time?

JESUS:
Hahahahaha! Shorter actually.

What contrasts can you draw between your mission then and your mission now?

JESUS:
This time around it’s a lot more obviously political and less religious. Of course all political power was basically religious in the good old days. From the Pharaohs, and even today across much of the world, leaders have been thought to be divine themselves, or at least ordained by Our Father or another.
I was largely about resisting the Roman occupation and their collaborators, the Pharisees….taking our country back…so to speak. It was that combination of religion and politics that got me executed.

How so?

JESUS:
When I said, “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and God what is God’s” that was both a blasphemy, since the Romans considered Caesar divine, and political subversion because I challenged the Roman authority over my country. In the Gospels not enough was ever made of the presence of the Romans during my first coming.
In fact it got so distorted that historically, and still today, the Jewish people have been blamed for my execution, when in fact it was the Romans who did it, and the Jews were helpless to stop it whether they’d wanted to or not.
The Romans, who weren’t about to take the blame, propagated that myth when they created the Roman Catholic Church; practically a complete repudiation of everything I said and stood for.

Do you come in the name of The Father?

JESUS:
Our Father…yes of course. So do you?

What do you mean by that?

JESUS:
I am a man, a person, like you. We are all the children of God. He is Our Father.

So what’s the difference between you and I?

JESUS:
Not much and everything. We’re both people. And we are both individuals as well.
But let’s not miss the point.
In my first-coming the whole point was: I was a man; lived and died as a man.
The religion-makers made much too much of the divinity connection which was way off the mark, and why so-called Christianity is such a mess today.

A mess? How do you mean?

JESUS:
Let’s just say that I stood, and stand, almost diametrically opposite, and I am disappointed with what Christianity, by and large mind you, seems to be today, or has been since the Romans co-opted it. It’s an exhaustive subject.

Well what is today’s Christianity about if it’s not about your message?

JESUS: I get a headaches just thinking about it. Just let me say that the Christianity Paul spread was a good thing. But once the Romans got their hands on it, it was all bad news.

How about a for example?

JESUS:
Well a foremost concern of mine in the olden time was avarice and the love of money; my nemesis. So adamant was I that it’s one of the few sentiments correctly and clearly spelled out in the New Testament. And it seems to me that today, and since 300AD avarice and the love of money have been the major force behind Christianity. Excessive wealth has become an admirable virtue. That’s appalling!
Early on, as the Roman empire expired what was left behind was the Christian welfare state in which the poor were banded in great masses, in which they struggled and helped each other. Until wealthy bullies came along and paid the poor men to fight each other for the power glory and profit of their royal master. and which became the Holy Roman Empire…and the money-changers were right back in the temple, and still are; but this time in my name.
It’s not surprising, even understandable. But it’s still wrong.
I’m pretty frustrated about that.

Why is it not surprising?

JESUS:
Because materialism is an overwhelming temptation and influence, and it blocks heavily the path to enlightenment. That’s why I spoke out so often about it.
There’s a blurred line between need and greed.
And nothing breeds more violence and injustice; man’s inhumanity to man; than material greed.
I am here to help.

Should I be calling you Jesus or do you have a new name now?

JESUS:
My name is Gabriel:

Gabriel? You’re joking?

JESUS:
No I’m not. But I know what you mean. You should know that my mother chose my name for me as is the custom these days. Any connection to previous Gabriels is purely coincidental.

But Gabriel, the messenger of God, the messenger to Mohammed…the archangel?

JESUS:
There’s no such thing as angels. That’s a myth. I like the art that came of it though, and the idea is cute and comforting perhaps, but angels really don’t really exist outside of mythology.
Our Father doesn’t talk to people or send messengers. It doesn’t work like that at all.
I can see I have a daunting task before me.
The numbers are staggering.

The numbers…I don’t understand?

JESUS:
2,000 years ago, In Galilee, I probably encountered a few thousand people at most. Now there’s seven plus billion. Thank heavens for youtube!

Well Gabriel…

JESUS:
Jesus will do. It’s alright. Less confusing. There’s only one of me.

Who’s your favorite rock band?

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INTERVIEWS WITH JESUS; Part III

What can you tell us about the missing years?

JESUS:
I thought you wanted to know my favorite rock band?

Well okay…sorry. Who’s your favorite rock band?

JESUS:
The Beatles. Hey Jude, Lady Madonna…and especially John’s Imagine. They had the right idea about a lot of things. Kinda funny, but I don’t think they quite knew it themselves, but they knew what wasn’t right. Anyway Imagine, the work of an atheist I suppose, in lots of ways, spells it out better than I did….but if not.. at least better than the so-called Christian church of the last 1700 years.
I like any music that is beautiful though.
Menacing, aggressive, dark, vulgar music is something I don’t need.
To think that John Lennon was killed in my name has left me with eternal guilt.

So what about the lost years? Where were you between the manger and the shores of Galilee?

JESUS:
Its no short story, and it was significant to me. I will address it in an essay soon to be posted on the net.
The short answer is I went away from my country as a young boy and returned as a mature man.
My mother was unable to care for me and she gave me to the church where I listened realized and rebelled. I was incorrigible and sent back home. My mother shortly afterward indentured me to a caravan bound for the Far-East. There I met my master and teacher. Many years later I returned to Jerusalem. I think it’s too much to go into right now.

I’ll change the subject if you please….What about the women?

JESUS:
Hahaha…the women. I’m happy that I was born a man so that I could love women. What was written out of the gospels was that women were the foremost people in my life….my best disciples, my best friends…. especially around the time of my death.

Why do you say that?

JESUS:
Women understood me well, being oppressed by men as well as Romans. They think more with their heart. They’re mothers and there’s a certain natural goodness to that which retards their corruption.
Upon my torture/execution the men associated with me were running for the lives. The Centurian was after them too. Like Peter they denied knowing me, fled and hid….in fact I told them all, not just Peter that they should fear for their lives. I’m glad they did. But they weren’t there, and as I said before they ever-after wondered why I didn’t come back and save them the next day like they thought I would.
And that left the women as witnesses. They watched the whole thing. They saw and testified to my death. Nobody, the Romans especially, paid any attention to wailing weeping women in those days. Just left them there at the foot of the cross. I hate to give ‘em credit, but the Romans were appalled by the Israelis stoning prostitutes to death and the like.
The resurrection, also witnessed by a woman, was an hysterical reaction rather than a reality. Though my dear Mary Magdalene, not her real name incidentally, who actually understood more than any other, knew that I was gone and wished to keep and perpetuate the faith, made up the resurrection. A few other followed, but they didn’t see me either. The women in my life were there from the beginning to end.

Well that’s interesting!
So the Romans killed you on Friday. Sunday you rose again.  Where did you spend Saturday?

JESUS:
Dead already. You’re a smart guy. I nver heard anybody in 2000 years ask bout Saturday. Hahahahahaha!

JESUS:
My mother deserves all the worship she gets…as all good mothers do. She had it tough her whole life, and in the end witnessed the brutal murder of her son. Always felt bad about that. Love that woman.

What about intimacy?

JESUS:
Let’s just say for now that I wasn’t celibate and I wasn’t gay. More about that later. It’s not all that important.

What is important?

JESUS:
The state of the world, the condition of the people, the lack of knowledge, humanity, compassion and generosity in the human heart…the failures of religious and political leadership with billions living in poverty or state of war without drinkable water or enough to eat, or in more prosperous places poor education and amorality….corrupt vicious greedy people leading countries and creeds. There’s lots wrong…and it appears to be moving the wrong direction, and has been for a long time.

What can we do?

JESUS:
Rejecting unfettered avarice, religious and political extremism would be a good start. Saying that, I was guilty of nationalism myself the first time around, but these are much different times.
Stop believing that God, whoever God may be to you, wants you to kill other people. Unite the world and fight death, disease and natural disaster. Promote education and importantly… equal rights and justice.

That’s pretty much a full plate.

JESUS:
It’s a big world with a lot of people.
If each person learns to do and be right, everything else will fall into place.

Why can’t you, why can’t God just make it so?

JESUS:
It doesn’t work like that. Our Father cannot intervene.
The laws of physics and nature are the prevailing power in the universe. Mankind has harnessed and tamed them to an amazing degree, but are not all that close to controlling earthquakes, floods, climate change, typhoons and the like. Virulent epidemic disease still threatens. And of course every body dies. But we can defend against and fight these things…. instead of each other.

But I thought this was all created and ordained by God?

JESUS:
Like I said, it doesn’t work like that. That’s a myth that has been constantly dispelled by medical and physical science. We never had much dominion over mosquitoes for example. Our Father is a product of nature just as you and I are. That is the answer by-the-way to the question: Who created God?

This is definitely a revelation.

JESUS:
That’s what I’m here for.

How is God different than us then?

JESUS:
Our Father is not a person. Our Father is every person. Our Father is immortal, near as we can tell. Our Father knows all that we know.

Well this is very interesting. People are under the impression God looks like us, that we are made in his image?

JESUS:
Trust me. The face that most people put on God, the Christian God lets say, are the early images and paintings of me, which were done more than a thousand years after my death. A handsome six-foot Italian guy with a European beard I was not. At least the Muslims, misguided as they may be, do not see God, or Mohammed as an Italian guy.
Our Father does not have a human face.

The Muslims are misguided?

JESUS:
Yes. Everybody’s pretty much misguided, miseducated and misinformed.

What’s your favorite food?

JESUS
You’re gonna laugh. Pizza.

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INTERVIEWS WITH JESUS; Part IV

Where do you live?

JESUS:
I live in the slums.

In the slums? Where?

JESUS:
The slums. They’re the same everywhere.

Ahh?

JESUS:
Listen! You’re not going to wiggle that information out of me. I live in the world, that’s all anybody has to know. And I do live in the slums; with the poor people.
My address is not only irrelevant to the subjects and objects at hand, but I think most likely very dangerous to my well-being. Some people take it very seriously when a person claims to be the savior. Some people think “the real Jesus” quote unquote, wants them, or even tells them, to kill people like me.

Don’t forget I was tortured to death last time. Murdered really. I see no point in having that happen again.

I understand. Sorry!

Tell us about your mother Mary.

JESUS:
My mother was around 14 years old when I was conceived. She never told me about my father, probably not a pleasant subject for a girl in her position. I never knew anything about her family except I that she was orphaned, along with her sister, my Aunt Sarah. Joseph was actually Sarah’s husband. They took my mother in when her father died and she was pregnant. I was born in their home. A manger made good copy I guess. Homes weren’t much more than mangers in those days anyway.
My mother, like most mothers, adored me and worked hard to keep and take care of me. But those were tough times particularly for a woman of her status. She lost me a few times, and for many years after about the age of twelve.

Did she instill the faith in you?

JESUS:
Not really, except she always told me, I was sent by God. But a lot of mothers say that to their children. Its called motherly love. Mother was totally uneducated and illiterate; and not religiously inclined at all. Its not like we had heart to heart intellectual theological discussions. In the eyes of the church people like her were held in very low esteem, unwelcome. Joseph, Dad, btw, was a great guy. He and Sarah had six children but he always provided for us as well, and had time for me and as a young boy I often helped him in his wood and stone working shop.

So you actually were a carpenter?

No. Joseph carved wooden and stone household utensils and did some carpentry. I was taught to whittle spoons and fashion stone cups, bowls and such. He was well-respected in his class, generous and hardworking.
The first true Christian I call him.
Joseph probably affected me more than any of us know. Having been displaced by Our Father in my family tree he was kinda written out of history. Inconvenient. The historians really have my genealogy fouled up. Kinds funny cuz it’s nt relevant to anything anyway.

You say your mother lost you for many years at about age twelve. Care to elaborate?

Just about half of my life was spent far away from Galilee. But I will address that in detail in an essay.

Well where?

Everywhere in East and far East Asia. I was indentured to a traveling merchant. What you would call an Arab. I was educated, but not in Hebrew or Jewish religion and history. I was educated in a different way.

For example?

JESUS
The way of silent meditation and contemplation.

Sounds like Buddhism.

JESUS:
We’ll get more into that later.

So what’s the greatest peril, problem, facing mankind?

JESUS:
Child abuse. Alcoholism. War. Bad water. There’s lots. #1 depends on who you are.

 

 


 

 

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